It feels like a flag I can’t stop flying. It comforts me in the meantime between the spaces. It’s just a rag I turned into a promise that he would never leave. Some sort of common thread between us. Part of me wants to rip it off. So many what-ifs and could’ve-beens and should’ve-beens and never-weres. It’s just a shirt. It’s been there for me when people haven’t. It makes me feel childish and taken care of. It makes me look a little stronger than I am. As long as I hold onto the shirt he is never completely out of my life. I’d wear it every day if I could. As much as you build a house around it or put a ring on it it’s all still temporary and dissolving so all you can do is love it. Even if it’s painful we need to hold onto something. Proof that we did it. That we went through it. That we learned something. That our hearts were broken. That we were loved. That we weren’t loved enough. For someone I won’t be something that will be so easily shed.
I enjoy your company. There’s no need to ask where this is going because I think I like where it is. I like where we might be. I can see good things with you being just my friend but at the same time being more. I want to be painfully honest but that’s something that can stop a person’s interest. I’m not even letting my friends know about you because I’m so afraid that if nothing happens in the end that you’d just be another story told. I told myself that I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again. I want to open up but at the same time…a part of me just wants to keep it all to myself just to save myself the trouble. I’m so sick and tired of trying so hard and putting in so much effort to be dropped again.
Please catch me if I start to fall.
There are times where I dread going to work but I have my coworkers to make it all worthwhile. Once you sit there and get to know these girls a little more it’s pretty amazing. We’re all fun and beautiful people and I’m really thankful that I got this job. The rankings came out today and my ranking was pretty low but for the high ranking girls to hang out with me makes me feel like I should be up there too. It’s just a number and if I get fired. Oh well I can possibly be a substitute while I finish school. I’m really going to work to give my parents money and get the hell out of the house. I’m also happy that this job hasn’t changed me and made me cocky but made me stronger. I’ve let the compliments and the guys that hit on my blow over my head and let what they say into one ear and out the other. How can I trust them seeing me in that outfit all dolled up. Would they even notice me had I been my plain Jane self ..sweat pants and hair tied up? I wouldn’t think so. I’m looking for something .. something amazing.. something more but I’m know I have to wait patiently for it.
It isn’t that easy to let people into my life anymore.. I just don’t want to be back in square one. Two people asked for my number yesterday and I just couldn’t. It could be the fact that I was at work and I don’t think that’s very professional. He was standing there.. poor guy and I asked him.. as friends? He seemed fun and he seemed very cool to hang out with but I don’t know what it was holding me back. I wanted to say so much that I’ve been hurt too many times but what does that have to do with them? It seemed irrelevant to say that and I don’t want to blame any of the past guys I’ve spoke to but it’s true. I’m tired of opening myself up and them truly seeing me..naked. Not even the way that I’m undressed, but to see and know all about me. The other guy I know too much about his past and given the fact that we live in this small town. Is it okay to hold it against him that I know he has two kids and I know who he’s been with? I’m tired of also being unnoticed until now. I just can’t…I’m sorry.