I don’t know what it is that makes me so stuck on you. I’m trying to think about the things and reasons why we aren’t meant to be. I keep reminiscing and reading old text messages. But there’s this little thought that maybe it could work or maybe we were meant for each other in some other life. Maybe we shouldn’t have poured out how we felt about each other that night. Times that I think.. just maybe…could this be possible.. those times I wish that I could just erase all the good memories because that’s all I’ve been given. Had I remembered all the bad times it would be so much easier to just get over you. I’m constantly wondering what it’s going to be like if I run into you. Is it going to be awkward? Why can’t we just go back to the way things used to be? I know that spending time another time together will have been a waste. How can it be a waste when the memories are bittersweet? It’s crazy.. I’m sitting here thinking about what happened. Was it something that I said or did that caused you to push me away? It was just a sudden change. I’m never too sure I can be friends with you right now but what can I do? I’d rather have you be my friend than not have you in my life at all.
I wish I could tell you happy birthday.. I just don’t know what you’d say back or if you’d even reply. I close my eyes when I’m singing and I still think of you. I could find another guy that’s perfect and I can’t help but feel I’d be the only reason it wouldn’t work. I constantly think about the things that we’d do together.. the things we did together. I think about how much you loved me and that nobody could ever love me and put up with me like you did. How you’d be there for me through all this shit going on in my life. When you said everything was going to be okay.. all of a sudden it would be. You were that push and the guidance when I was lost. I didn’t even know what pho to order because you always did it for me and the last and only pho I’ve ever had was your moms. I screwed up and I’m actually owning up to it when guys ask me why I’m single. I know I’m just beating myself up and I haven’t let go. I haven’t let go of anything. I still wear your clothes and my brother and sister in law will ask me whose they are and I’d just change the subject. I made those bacon wrapped jalapenos and I couldn’t say who taught me how to make them. Our pictures still hang on the birds on a wire.. your high school football picture sits near my bed.. the puzzle piece you gave me for valentines day still hangs on my rear view mirror.. and your name is still on my favorites. I kept everything you gave back to me. I’m afraid of change.. I can’t let go…Even if I threw everything away I’d still find something that would remind me of you. I’d still find a way to still love you.